My beautiful, happy, always cheerful, incredibly playful, and loving son was in tears, large crocodile size tears, just a few moments ago. He was so very upset about loosing something he must have felt was very important to him. What he could not see, that I could see, was that it was too harmful to him for him to keep as he went to bed and so I did not let him keep it. It was small, made of rubber, and could have easily caused him to suffocate the next time he put it in his mouth. All that he could focus on though was that it was gone and he still wanted it. He did not start off crying those alligator tears at first. First he tried to get it back from me, he called out "dadda" with his hand stretched out for it. As I said no again he got angry and his eyes welled up with tears. "Dadda, dadda", he would say with his lip all pouty as the desperation to get it back continued to grow, and then they came, those deep, sobbing, crocodile tears came streaming down his cheeks. I felt so bad for him. I love to see him laugh and smile, to be happy, and full of cheer. I love the way he waves to me every time we leave each others' sight or when he sees me again how he smiles real big, giggles, waves and says "Dadda". He is always smiling and happy and I do not like it when he is upset. Still I knew that it was best for him to not let him have what he wanted even though I understood how upset it would make him. As Heather took Jacob and Hannah for her time to snuggle with them before bed I could not help but think of a time, long ago now, that I too was so terribly upset and crying out for my heavenly father to help me, to change the heart of the person I loved so that I would not loose them. I remember sleepless nights up crying, full of crocodile tears, as I too was crying out, 'Daddy, daddy, please, please". Just like Jacob I was angry, sad, and desperately wanting God to give me what I felt I really needed, wanted, and just had to have.
Tonight in the tearful eyes of my son I was reminded of the great wisdom, compassion, and love my heavenly father has for me and for you. There are many times we cry out for God to move in our lives in this way or that way and we like Jacob get hurt, we bargain, plead, get angry, ask Him why, and to make it all better not realizing that by not doing what we want at that moment He truly is.
These past two months have been very hard for me in many ways. I have been so sick for so long, there have been those who have lied and sought to tear us down and damage our ministry and though the attacks are nothing new this time they deeply hurt. There were many times I asked God to just take it all a way, to turn the hearts of the ones who were attacking, and to give me back my health. I wanted so desperately to wake up in the morning and it all be better only to wake up and find that it wasn't. He didn't do what I wanted when I wanted it and how I had asked but He did speak to Heather in a dream that gave us both great encouragement, He sent a man here to minister with us and to us just when we both need it the most. He sustained me and though I felt so awful, every test I took only came back to show that I was healthy. Thankfully for over a week now the sickness has been gone, leaving as mysteriously as it came. And I learned today that the exercises I have been doing is correcting my back problem as well. I know that these times of refining are necessary and that there will be more to come until the Lord takes me home. They always serve to draw me closer to him. The long walks, those times of prayer, all of the time spent studding God's word, I can see are making me a kinder more gentler person. I have learned through the trials of life that no matter how I feel from moment to moment I can trust and find peace in the fact that the Lord loves me more than I can understand and has promised us all that He will never leave us nor forsake us.
After Heather had her cuddle time I went in to have mine. Jacob was no longer crying and he crawled up to me and gave me a kiss and a hug and said contently, "Dadda", as he rubbed my face. He did not understand why I took the thing that I did away from him but at the same time he knew that his daddy loves him, and I do too.
Maybe you are where I have been or where Jacob was tonight, wanting something, something so badly, and not knowing why He is not letting you have it. Can I just share with you with all confidence that He loves you too and even though you don't understand why the things are happening in your life or in the lives of those you love God still loves you and whatever it is you are facing or will face your heavenly father loves you and it will be ok.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. Proverbs 3:3-8
David
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